A lot has happened since the year began – some good things and some bad – however, I think that I’ve learnt much more this year than I have compared to my high school years. I believe that moving to a new country, starting college, and living in a completely new place and environment can make you learn a lot more about yourself thank you’d think.
I’ve embarrassed myself A LOT
I’m a freshman in college, so naturally, I have tried my best to put myself out of my comfort zone in order to meet new people and socialise. In the process, however, I have made a lot (and I mean a lot) of childish mistakes. It’s not easy to move to a different country and start a new life. For me, when college began, I was already very confused about who I was as a person and living in a new place definitely did not serve me well.
I’ve made some really close friends
I’ve made some amazing memories in my first year of college and all of them involved some of my closest, truest friends. I have learnt so much from these guys and I’m truly so grateful for them.
I’ve learned to love myself
It took a lot for me to reach the place I am at right now. I chopped my hair off, cut off toxic friends, forgave a lot of people, got my heart broken, and eventually began to focus on myself and my needs before anyone else’s. Thinking about what I wanted and valuing my needs was a big step in pointing me towards the direction of self love.
I’ve realised the importance of mental health
I started therapy this year and I also started seeing a psychiatrist. I learnt a lot about different kinds of medication, the importance of opening up and talking about your problems, and doing little things to take care of yourself and make you feel better.
Last year was things started to get particularly bad for me. When college started I felt helpless and alone. I was in a completely new place where I didn’t know anyone, I missed home, missed my friends – the last place I wanted to be was in a new environment that was so different from what I was used to.
Depression is different for everyone. Deep down I knew I wasn’t as happy as I used to be but I ignored how I was feeling – thinking that it will get better over time. But it only got worse. As the weeks continued, I started to feel miserable. It was the worst kind of pain I’ve ever felt.
If you know me, you know that I’m a positive person. I want to make people happy and feel good about themselves. However, things started to change and I started to feel bitterness towards the people who wanted the best for me. I stopped feeling like myself. I stopped recognising myself when I looked at pictures and in the mirror. It was as if I was looking at a meaner, evil version of myself. I didn’t have any interest in doing things I used to love. My feelings of hopelessness were constant and over time I started to normalise the sadness I felt.
My psychiatrist diagnosed me with chronic depression and prescribed me medication. I had always been someone who was against taking medication but as things got worse knew it was something I had to try.
It’s been almost 2 months since I started taking antidepressants and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. I’m starting to enjoy doing things and activities that I stopped liking. Some mornings, I feel excited about the day ahead of me. This is a big change from the person I was a few months ago – someone who would struggle to get out of bed and start the day, someone who would avoid meeting her closest friends, someone who would push people away, someone who would forget to call her loved ones for weeks.
The best thing that I did for myself was to go and get help. I started going to therapy and eventually went to a psychiatrist. I know depression is something that a lot of us struggle with. Some depressive episodes last for a few days but sometimes they can last for weeks and even months. Talking about how you feel with a friend, family member, or a professional is essential and can really shift your mindset.
the last few months have been hard. i started college, moved to a different country, lost some friends, made new ones, and went through a lot of breakdowns almost every week.
i’ve been struggling. see the thing is that even when you “recover” from an eating disorder, you never really do. the thoughts, the constant fixation on the way you look in that crop top, the continuous thinking about what others are eating and what they’re not, is always on the back of your mind. i’ve dealt with comments from my parents, my friends, relatives, strangers – change the way you look. at every single body weight, i’ve never been enough “too fat, too skinny, no curves, thunder thighs”.
i’m 17, a teenage girl. it’s obvious that i will care too much about what other people think. we judge others without even knowing that we do – it’s human nature. sometimes i feel like i will struggle with this for the rest of my life. use food to punish myself, use it to treat myself, use it to make me feel worse, use it to make me feel better. i just wish i was ‘normal’. i see girls everywhere and i can’t help but compare myself to them. i have days where i’m so happy with my body and i couldn’t care less about anyone else, because on those days only my opinion matters and i feel good about myself. but on the other days i’m under a grey cloud and i can’t think or focus or talk to anyone. i can never be “enough”.
on the bad days, i push people away. i ignore my friends, my family, never open my messages, and i find it hard to approach people. on those days everything is tinted grey, that’s when the thoughts start to go from bad to worse. you can talk to people about your worries and problems and that can make you feel better but in the end you’re the only one who can make the changes to make you feel better. you’re the only one who’s got the power to change the way you think.