Being Okay With Who I Am

Being Okay With Who I Am

Recently, I’ve been feeling okay about who I am as a person. Throughout the last few years, I criticised myself about the tiniest things – the way I look, how I act, how different I am. I was not okay with who I was as a person. I was constantly looking for ways to change myself: change the way my body looks, change how I talk, change the way I dress. There was something wrong about me and I had to change.

I know that change can be good. If you’re extremely unhappy with yourself, it’s good to want to improve in healthy and manageable ways…but when the need to change comes from a place of self-hatred – when you develop unhealthy habits and patterns that are doing you more harm than good – it’s not okay.

The way I think about myself has changed drastically in the last year. I look back at pictures of myself and actually think I look good – and this is shocking cause at the time I would hate the way I looked. I’m starting to value myself and my thoughts, because that is what I deserve. I deserve to love myself.

Growing up, I heard a lot of hateful things that were directed at me.

You’re not good enough, you’re not worth it, you’re not special.

And for a while, I started to believe those things. I did not love myself or take care of myself – I was unhappy, anxious, and angry. I would stop myself from doing things like joining clubs and teams, making friends, and going out.

However, as I started to grow older and perform better in school and sports – I realised that all of those things that were said to me were lies. I was free to be whoever I wanted to be. I could do whatever I want. I was worth it.

Over time, my confidence improved. I was no longer the shy, quiet girl who would just do whatever was asked from her. I became a person who was happy in her own skin, someone who stopped believing all the lies that were thrown at her, someone who started to work for herself and her future. Because she knew she was better than that, because she knew she deserved better.

How I’m Spending My Time

How I’m Spending My Time

When the lockdown began I was very sure that I would spend my days lounging around the house, being bored at all times of the day, but surprisingly enough I haven’t been nearly as bored as I imagined I would be. I’ve been doing a lot of things to keep myself busy and also use this time as a self-improvement period. Here are some of the things I’ve been doing to stay happy, be busy, and not get bored.

School Work

Yup, that’s right. In the beginning of quarantine the last thing I wanted to do was open my book and do math, but eventually I made a schedule and included schoolwork into my daily routine. Getting work done makes me feel much better about my day and helps keep the stress at bay.

Face masks, bath bombs, and moisturisers

I ordered a bunch of bath bombs and face-masks and you best believe I’ve been making great use of them by pampering myself on the weekends and really doing my best to treat myself with tons of kindness and love. I also cut my hair off really short recently and one of the reasons why I did it is because I wanted to get rid of my damaged hair and, this time, really nourish my hair with oils and supplements to make my hair grow back thicker, stronger, and healthier.

Engaging in my favourite pastimes

I’m so grateful to be able to spend my free time by reading, drawing, cooking, and baking. I’ve also discovered a lot of ‘booktubers’ and bookclubs online and just being part of a community has made me feel great. Luckily, my university has also been organising a ton of Zoom workshops such as the Weekly Bullet Journalling Workshop and it’s great that I’m able to use this time to learn new skills and improve old ones.

Journalling

I’ve never been big on journalling but recently I decided to give the The Five Minute Journal a go. I’ve had all sorts of journals in the past – from bullet journals to The Happiness Planner – but when I found out that Emma Watson uses the The Five Minute Journal I knew I just had to try it out.

Overall, I’ve been making sure I keep in touch with my friends and family by Face-timing them, texting them every so often and also engaging in activities together such as watching movies through Netflix Party. I’ve also been watching a lot of shows on Netflix (I Am Not Okay With This and Ozark are my favourites) and movies (currently rewatching all the Marvel movies).