Recently, I’ve been feeling okay about who I am as a person. Throughout the last few years, I criticised myself about the tiniest things – the way I look, how I act, how different I am. I was not okay with who I was as a person. I was constantly looking for ways to change myself: change the way my body looks, change how I talk, change the way I dress. There was something wrong about me and I had to change.
I know that change can be good. If you’re extremely unhappy with yourself, it’s good to want to improve in healthy and manageable ways…but when the need to change comes from a place of self-hatred – when you develop unhealthy habits and patterns that are doing you more harm than good – it’s not okay.
The way I think about myself has changed drastically in the last year. I look back at pictures of myself and actually think I look good – and this is shocking cause at the time I would hate the way I looked. I’m starting to value myself and my thoughts, because that is what I deserve. I deserve to love myself.
Growing up, I heard a lot of hateful things that were directed at me.
You’re not good enough, you’re not worth it, you’re not special.
And for a while, I started to believe those things. I did not love myself or take care of myself – I was unhappy, anxious, and angry. I would stop myself from doing things like joining clubs and teams, making friends, and going out.
However, as I started to grow older and perform better in school and sports – I realised that all of those things that were said to me were lies. I was free to be whoever I wanted to be. I could do whatever I want. I was worth it.
Over time, my confidence improved. I was no longer the shy, quiet girl who would just do whatever was asked from her. I became a person who was happy in her own skin, someone who stopped believing all the lies that were thrown at her, someone who started to work for herself and her future. Because she knew she was better than that, because she knew she deserved better.