the last few months have been hard. i started college, moved to a different country, lost some friends, made new ones, and went through a lot of breakdowns almost every week.

i’ve been struggling. see the thing is that even when you “recover” from an eating disorder, you never really do. the thoughts, the constant fixation on the way you look in that crop top, the continuous thinking about what others are eating and what they’re not, is always on the back of your mind. i’ve dealt with comments from my parents, my friends, relatives, strangers – change the way you look. at every single body weight, i’ve never been enough “too fat, too skinny, no curves, thunder thighs”.

i’m 17, a teenage girl. it’s obvious that i will care too much about what other people think. we judge others without even knowing that we do – it’s human nature. sometimes i feel like i will struggle with this for the rest of my life. use food to punish myself, use it to treat myself, use it to make me feel worse, use it to make me feel better. i just wish i was ‘normal’. i see girls everywhere and i can’t help but compare myself to them. i have days where i’m so happy with my body and i couldn’t care less about anyone else, because on those days only my opinion matters and i feel good about myself. but on the other days i’m under a grey cloud and i can’t think or focus or talk to anyone. i can never be “enough”.

on the bad days, i push people away. i ignore my friends, my family, never open my messages, and i find it hard to approach people. on those days everything is tinted grey, that’s when the thoughts start to go from bad to worse. you can talk to people about your worries and problems and that can make you feel better but in the end you’re the only one who can make the changes to make you feel better. you’re the only one who’s got the power to change the way you think.

Published by Kaurvika

17-year-old Lifestyle Blogger. Currently a freshman at the University of California Santa Cruz.

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7 Comments

  1. Sweet little young girl its a never ending competition we go through in this materialist world and all we can do is rise n shine as ourself.
    Knowing you i am sure you have and will shine and now no looking behind sweet17 .. just enjoy the existence and love yourself without questioning or doubting.. LET YOURSELF FREE..

    Love u loads kiko

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sweet little girl 👧 shine and rise from all this worldly competition .
    You are a masterpiece of gods creation..
    Just free yourself n enjoy the existence of you..love u sweet17

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.. u pen down all you feelings its so touching.. nd u r shoo beautiful my lil sis am so proud f u..

    Liked by 1 person

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